I asked Molly why she was leaving Albuquerque for Detroit. Her hackles raised and her countenance changed as she spewed about how there was no opportunity in Albuquerque, how the people here are rude and unwilling to accept outsiders, how the crime was bad and the drivers worse, and so on. I smiled and asked her about Detroit. She assured me it was the land of opportunity and that she could easily find both work and community there.
Statistically the opportunity part of her story is simply not true. Numerous studies over the last couple of years have shown job opportunity and entrepreneurial opportunity in Albuquerque to be within the top ten cites in America. In those studies Detroit was near the bottom. Hopefully things are getting better, however Detroit has more foreclosures and higher unemployment than almost anywhere else. The part about the ability to make friends is harder to quantify in a rational manner. I will note that a recent census showed more lesbian couples living in my zip code than in any other zip code in America. Molly is a lesbian, and from my personal awareness, there was indeed much opportunity for friendship here. I think she’s a lovely person, except for this spew of negativity. Molly leaves for Detroit in two weeks, and I wish her well.
I didn’t want to discount Molly’s story; it was true and precious to her, and perhaps against the odds her belief in opportunity in Detroit might make it work for her. What concerned me was her insistence that this reality for her was the absolute reality for all people in Albuquerque and all people in Detroit. I told her the story of Karla coming to Albuquerque in a u-haul, knowing no one except me, carless, without a license to practise her craft, and with very little money. In three years Karla’s created opportunity that includes a six figure income and a vibrant circle of friends. Karla says that even if I moved away that she would not leave Albuquerque…it’s now her home, presumably for life. Now Karla’s experiences are unique and outside the norm, yet were offered as an example of a vastly different perceived reality. Karla arrived with a story that she would be successful here.
Molly, still very stuck in her story, retorted with reasons why Karla’s story is unique and not applicable to her or others. I elected not to argue further. What matters in this is to see how stories have shaped the path of the two women here. Then, perhaps, we need to ask ourselves about the stories that create our lives: are they true? (discerning and writing down our stories is essential to determining validity) do the stories limit us? or do our stories empower our future and our present reality?
More than most of us realize, our stories, not our circumstances, shape our lives. We will usually find confirming circumstances that demonstrate that our stories are true. The “secret” to success then is intentionally reshaping who we are by choosing our stories rather than letting our stories choose us.
