Meditations on Mediation

New Mexico Child Support Calculator

Kelly Vickers — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 15:44:20 +0000

Whether resolved in mediation or in litigation, one thing that is relatively certain is child support. The support is a right of the child/ren and their interest trumps the parent’s preferences. To calculate the guidelines for your child/ren go here: New Mexico Child Support Calculator. By law judges must follow these guidelines unless a very strong basis for deviation can be demonstrated. Many people try to argue a lower support amount due to hardship; that rarely works because divorce frequently creates a hardship. Taking the income that once supported one household and stretching it to cover two households almost always means lots of stretching on both sides. Getting the court’s approval to deviate from the guidelines requires a persuasive argument and a set period of time for the reduction. A good example is where one party takes on a marital debt that is beyond his/her equitable share in the dissolution, as in: the husband agrees to pay off a Visa card that is beyond his share of the community debt in the amount of $100 per month, and it will take him two years to do so. The court will generally approve a reduction in his child support payment in the amount of the Visa debt being paid for the projected time it will take to pay it off. These specifications must be stated and have clear beginning and end points. Deviation is also possible where the child has a separate income, such as a disability check or an assured monthly contribution from a relative.

Child support can be devisive…sadly. I’ve seen where reducing child support was the primary motivation for a parent seeking equal time with child—-even when doing so wasn’t in the child’s best interest and when that was not the plan followed after the divorce is final. New Mexico reduces the child support obligation significantly where the physical custody of the child is shared somewhat equally. Note that where there is a significantly disparity in the parents’ income that child support is likely still due from the parent with the greater income even the custody is 50/50.

For additional information please order Family Law in New Mexico and Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce.

Finally, a touchy subject…yes, the guidelines can be massaged a bit: generally when a completed New Mexico divorce packet is submitted to the court, the judge does not require verification of the stated income used to develop the guidelines. (Some states do require proof of income.) The judge assumes that each party has the best information about the income of the other. While this fact does provide room for some discretion remember that child support can be reviewed by the court on an ongoing basis. So if the parties create a lower support amount at the time of the divorce either party can go back to court and demand that the support be recalculated at the amount based on the true income. This can be done both through the divorce court and through the child support enforcement division.

Mediation is usually the best method of resolving issues pertaining to children in a divorce and with children whose parents were not married. Over the last twenty years I’ve helped nearly a thousand families find a fair and peaceful solution in times of crisis and transition. My office is conveniently located on Carlisle near Candelaria in Albuquerque. Call me for more information on mediating child support and other issues.

Kelly Vickers, JD 505-340-1107

www.KellyVickers.com www.AlbuquerqueMediation.com

Dealing with Emotional Filters

Kelly Vickers — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 20:13:32 +0000

Part of my role as mediator is interpretor. One of the hidden complexities of communication is that we hear through the filters of our past. When a marriage or other intimate relationship breaks down, the filters of the pain endured over the previous months or years add additional meaning to every word. My role then is to carefully listen both to the words and intent of each person speaking and to discern whether the other party is truly discerning what is being conveyed.

On many occasions I’ve repeated back to someone what I understood them to say, and he/she wil confirm that I heard and understood correctly…yet the other person in the dispute will insist that’s not what they heard. I then, gently and respectfully, begin the process of translating…helping the broken communication to be healed so resolution can happen. This becomes particularly important where children are involved. Even though the parents are parting ways, a new partnership must be created and maintained so that the children’s ongoing needs can be met.

Mediation has many benefits, saving thousands of dollars in legal fees and providing faster access to justice, particularly for divorce with children in Albuquerque. eMail me at ABQMediator@gmail.com to see if mediation is the best path for you.

Kelly Vickers, JD
www.KellyVickers.com
http://www.masterpeacedisputessolutions.com

Albuquerque Divorce: Mediation vs. Litigation

Kelly Vickers — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 00:28:34 +0000

For most couples getting divorced using the process of mediation can save them thousands of dollars, many months, and an untold amount of stress. The trick is seeking mediation early in the process rather than months down the line when the court orders it. Regardless of whether or not you have attorneys my mediation service frequently resolves issues such as parenting plans and division of assets.

Particularly where children are involved it is crucial to establish new ways of communicating and parenting as mom and dad divide. What often leads to divorce is a deterioration in the ability to work together; part of my goal in mediation is to help heal that part enough to allow the parents to meet their children’s needs after the separation. I have been helping all kinds of families for over twenty years as their relationships changed.

An initial phone conversation is free for Albuquerque couples who are considering divorce, in the midst of one, or modifying parenting plans. Please call me at 340-1107 for information on how I can help save money, time and heartache.

Kelly Vickers, JD

http://kellyvickers.com

Creating Our Lives with Story

Kelly Vickers — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:15:25 +0000

I asked Molly why she was leaving Albuquerque for Detroit. Her hackles raised and her countenance changed as she spewed about how there was no opportunity in Albuquerque, how the people here are rude and unwilling to accept outsiders, how the crime was bad and the drivers worse, and so on. I smiled and asked her about Detroit. She assured me it was the land of opportunity and that she could easily find both work and community there.

Statistically the opportunity part of her story is simply not true. Numerous studies over the last couple of years have shown job opportunity and entrepreneurial opportunity in Albuquerque to be within the top ten cites in America. In those studies Detroit was near the bottom. Hopefully things are getting better, however Detroit has more foreclosures and higher unemployment than almost anywhere else. The part about the ability to make friends is harder to quantify in a rational manner. I will note that a recent census showed more lesbian couples living in my zip code than in any other zip code in America. Molly is a lesbian, and from my personal awareness, there was indeed much opportunity for friendship here. I think she’s a lovely person, except for this spew of negativity. Molly leaves for Detroit in two weeks, and I wish her well.

I didn’t want to discount Molly’s story; it was true and precious to her, and perhaps against the odds her belief in opportunity in Detroit might make it work for her. What concerned me was her insistence that this reality for her was the absolute reality for all people in Albuquerque and all people in Detroit. I told her the story of Karla coming to Albuquerque in a u-haul, knowing no one except me, carless, without a license to practise her craft, and with very little money. In three years Karla’s created opportunity that includes a six figure income and a vibrant circle of friends. Karla says that even if I moved away that she would not leave Albuquerque…it’s now her home, presumably for life. Now Karla’s experiences are unique and outside the norm, yet were offered as an example of a vastly different perceived reality. Karla arrived with a story that she would be successful here.

Molly, still very stuck in her story, retorted with reasons why Karla’s story is unique and not applicable to her or others. I elected not to argue further. What matters in this is to see how stories have shaped the path of the two women here. Then, perhaps, we need to ask ourselves about the stories that create our lives: are they true? (discerning and writing down our stories is essential to determining validity) do the stories limit us? or do our stories empower our future and our present reality?

More than most of us realize, our stories, not our circumstances, shape our lives. We will usually find confirming circumstances that demonstrate that our stories are true. The “secret” to success then is intentionally reshaping who we are by choosing our stories rather than letting our stories choose us.

MasterPeace Mediation: Home of Lulu the Therapy Dog

Kelly Vickers — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 13:39:54 +0000

My business partner and I have had the great honor of adding Lulu the Therapy Dog to our practice. We adopted Lulu from the local Boston Terrier Rescue Association. When she was removed from a puppy mill the vet said she was so thin that she was just a day or so away from death. At two years old her life had been largely spent in a cage, having litter after litter of puppies. Frankly we took a great chance on her….her past life was not a particularly promising preparation for her being a great dog. We are therefore mightily blessed that she is more than just a cute face. She is the most loving and docile dog I’ve ever known. Everyone who encounters her seems to be swept away by her charm. In my partner’s medical massage practice many patients have asked that Lulu be allowed to stay in the room…there is something soothing about being in the presence of a very sweet and contented puppy. In my mediation practice she has several times been held and cuddled by divorcing spouses who were weeping through the stress of making very hard decisions.

With the exception of the occasional flatulence (a trait of Boston Terriers) she is just about the perfect dog. We look forward to introducing you to this compassionate addition to our practice.

(We do need to note that while Lulu is awesome with people that she is still learning proper behavior with other dogs; we welcome our patients/clients to bring their pets, however let us know so we can secure Lulu. Also we are glad to accommodate those who have puppy allergies. Finally we want to clarify that while Lulu functions perfectly in the role of Therapy Dog that a national certification as such is in process….so technically she’s an intern.)

Albuquerque Mediator Kelly Vickers is a retired attorney and pastor offering mediation services for divorce, parenting plans, and civil disputes. For more information see www.MasterPeaceDisputeSolutions.com

I SEE YOU and SMILE

Kelly Vickers — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 13:45:40 +0000

Frankly, we can’t hear this enough. Our day is filled with messages from the media telling us what we lack to be beautiful—to be enough. Fuck that. Join me in the counter-attack. Imagine a world where we all believed—knew the present truth—that we are beautiful (or handsome if you prefer).

Here’s the plan: get some post-it notes and a sharpie; leave messages of affirmation everywhere you go. OK, maybe you can’t change the whole world, yet we can change at least one person’s world, at least for a moment. Most important, everytime you/we/I write these affirmations and overtly share them, it bathes our own soul with the truth: WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE ENOUGH. THE COLLECTIVE SOUL SEES ME AND SMILES.

www.OperationBeautiful.com

Something to Ponder from Dragonfly Journey on FB

Kelly Vickers — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 13:49:55 +0000

“The next time you interact with a person in a high conflict manner, consider the possibility that they are acting this way because they feel weak and lack confidence. They have no interest in your perspective… it is all about them. With that, allow it to be all about them. If you let go of the rope in tug o’ war the other team will fall.”

Kelly Vickers, JD does divorce mediation in Albuquerque, New Mexico

An Alternative to the “Lawyered Up” Divorce

Kelly Vickers — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 13:48:30 +0000

Huffington Post has a new Divorce section which has dozens of articles on the topic. Divorce has become a billion dollar industry, and it seems everyone has something to say. I enjoyed an article today from Certified Divorce Coach Cathy Meyer today (here) where she discussed managing expectations from attorneys during the process. She personally had three shockingly bad experiences with divorce lawyers, and wants to warn others. Of course I can recommend some great local attorneys that I believe are trustworthy, however…

Mediation would have been a great solution for Cathy Meyer, and it can be a powerful tool for you as well. I do strongly recommend consulting with an attorney and a CPA too, particularly if significant retirement accounts are involved. Yet, folks are often surprised that they spend five to ten grand (each!) on legal fees only to have the court strongly promote mediation or facilitation rather than a trial. Rather than spending huge sums of money and dealing with the emotion nightmare of a year at war waiting for a judge to decide, do mediation first. Mediation used at the beginning is always successful in providing one of two outcomes: in most cases the whole thing is resolved; when it’s not resolved, the communication which occurs fine tunes the issues and allows for crucial understanding of the dynamics of what is still to come. Mediation saves time and money in the divorce process. Perhaps of greater importance, it reduces the emotional cost and helps shorten the natural grieving process from the transition. This becomes doubly important when there are children at issue. They will recover more quickly when the matter is resolved with less stress on the parents.

Kelly Vickers, JD is a wise and seasoned divorce mediator and also provides divorce coaching services in Albuquerque, New Mexico

An initial consultation, generally lasting around forty-minutes is $50, and will provide a wealth of information on the process

See www.AlbuquerqueMediation.com for contact information

At the Feet of Genius

Kelly Vickers — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 14:23:40 +0000

Many moons ago when I first started as an attorney I wasn’t very busy so I’d go watch trials by the best lawyers in town. There was a DUI guru who was renowned through the region as being able to beat nearly every DUI. He was extremely expensive, with fees starting at ten grand, and he did seminars all over the country on winning DUI trials. I found out that he was going to do four trials back to back on one day, and I went to watch.

On the first three trials he was a technical marvel, challenging the reliability of the breathalyzer, and capturing every nuance of doubt. I was fascinated. In the final trial of the day, the DA began with putting the state trooper on the stand. On the cross exam the guru threw not one single punch; he just asked low key questions to which the officer gave very plausible explanations that made it really clear that the guru’s client was drunk off his butt while driving. The guru seemed to end the questioning, slowing walking back to the table, then suddenly, as if having a brilliant thought, he spun on his left heel, put his finger to his cheek, and said, “just one more thing officer, the night before this arrest, did you have sex with my client’s wife?” The courtroom exploded in murmurs as the officer turned pink, staring imploringly at the DA for help. The guru, this time, boldly, said, “Officer, you’re under oath!” Sheepishly, the trooper hung his head, and said, “yes.”

The jury returned a verdict of not guilty.

Injured in a Crash?

Kelly Vickers — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 05:15:50 +0000

What You Don’t Know Will Hurt you!

Albuquerque Edition

My latest book contains thousands of dollars worth of information on how to deal with the aftermath of a car accident in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It details the process of working with crash scene professionals, health care providers, insurance adjusters, repair shops and attorneys. It’s the inside scoop every crash victim needs.

To preview the book and/or order go here:

http://www.blurb.com/books/1510226

Come see me with your copy so I can inscribe it for you. Thank you!